Glimpse

I thought I should take a moment to introduce myself a bit more.

If you spend any time with me, I think you’ll discover that I am the sensitive, introspective type. Meaning that I can be expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.

Most days I am self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. Over time you will see that I am emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. I will withhold myself from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, but also on a bad day feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. My biggest problems have to do with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. 

All that said, please stick around because at my best I am inspired and highly creative, and have the ability to renew myself and transform my experiences.

Do you want to know what scares me? That I have no identity or personal significance.

Do you want to know my basic desire?  To find myself and my significance. I am looking to create an identity.

I so want to express myself and my individuality, to create and surround myself with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect my self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a “rescuer.”

I collapse when I am out in the world. I have had a trail of relationship disasters. I have hated other peoples goodness—and hated goodness in general. I went years without joy in my life, just pretending to smile because real smiles would not come to me. I have had a constant longing for whatever I cannot have. My longings can never become fulfilled because I now realize that I am attached to ‘the longing’ and not to any specific end result.

So… now you know.